134th Post

Have been talking with my lawyer - she is of course well spoken, clearly elucidating and almost phonetically pronouncing each word as it leaves her mouth.  She shares the same name as my mother, but she listens to me when I talk, which is something my own mother would never grant me - the dignity of active listening.  So we get on well and she is acting for me.  I have given her a short document on my position and the antecedents leading up to the incident so she is well backgrounded on the situation.

And she mentioned mediation again.  And this is what I said.

Some relationships sour and turn fetid and are irrecoverable.  There is simply nothing that can be done to salvage or recover the situation to any sort of respectful working arrangement.  Mediation is not going to do it.  Listening and cataloging the history of pain and suffering is not going to do it.  The best strategy is to simply accept the situation for what it is - broken - and move on.  Perhaps time may heal the indignation and hurt, but I feel giving the whole shebang even another second of oxygen is simply wasting my time and resources.

She was taken a black by this, and saw the passion and fervor in my voice - (she said not to talk with such vehemence in court) and sort of sat back in her chair and shrugged her shoulders.

"OK, no mediation then.  So we're going for a win, or a loss.  No middle ground."

"Mmm,"  I nodded.
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Am I being a stubborn alcoholic?  No.  I have dealt with this mess a decade ago (albeit by drinking my way through it, which was whatever it was) and it is not for my mother to choose when she re-ignites the fire and me to play out my role.  I have moved on and, although it is hard to say, actually forgiven her and all involved for their roles in it - and myself too - we were all naive and foolish and let the heat of the moment carry us away.

But, with ten years of hindsight, and a year of sobriety, I don't want to go back there, and trawl through the broken glass and hurtful shit that was said and try to make some sort of patched up mediation out of it.  It was war at the time, and that was it.  Things happened and wwre said and done.

Moving on has been such a release and allowed me to concentrate on other more productive and stimulating things like online shopping career wife kids etc.  I am not willing to go into a series of mediation meetings and validate all the old crap again.  What happens on the field stays on the field.

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What do you think?  Am I still thinking like an alcoholic - or am I moving forward and letting the past stay there?  Have your say.. everything helps doesn't it?

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