The End of the Beginning

Last time I posted I was fresh from five days not drinking.  So what did I do?  Went and got drunk.  Had my last (how many times have I said that before) bender before going sober for once and for all and forever.

So I drank another dozen or so bottles of wine.  Lately, I had migrated to light white wines so my teeth wouldn't stain and I wouldn't smell as much for family and at work.  It sort of worked but the mere fact I was so chatty and irreverent should have been a dead giveaway.

My wife knew and was hoping against hope that it would sort of go away if she didn't confront me.

It didn't.  I wound up exhausted, vomiting, missing appointments and, sad to say, curled up again thinking that life was simply too hard without alcohol and the withdrawals were something I could not overcome.

*

My wife booked an intervention appointment with a new doctor and I shamelessly fronted up and conceded defeat - I was an alcoholic who had gone ten months sober but had spent the last eight months glugging through a couple of bottles of wine a day - or more if the situation presented.

I am prescribed antabuse and have been taking it for a week now, with blood tests and a mental health plan to be confirmed.  The new doctor is a mature woman who has let slip that drinking is a loss of control and lack of discipline - which it is for sure and I am in no position to argue the finer details of addiction and willpower in the position I am in.

Each day I have to go for an exercise period, which has been simply floating in the ocean baths and looking out to sea.  I don't do laps like I used to - not yet anyway - just floating there letting the ocean take the heat out of my body seems to cool my mind.  And, cautiously, she filled a script for two dozen valium so I can stop walking around the house through the night.

It's like I have to keep repeating this lesson until I learn it.  I cannot have alcohol in my life.  So I'm coming back from a false start and with the gut-wrenching immediacy of antabuse there just in case to keep me from touching alcohol.

At this early stage I am doing the same as my last recovery - sleeping and drinking plenty of water - and reading and preparing for a psychology plan and Alcoholics Anonymous.  It is not for me to be questioning the type of the shoes when I am walking on glass - AA is open and free and exists.

*

Here we go again.

19 comments:

  1. I hope you find some really good meetings to attend. I will be praying that find a friend that you truly can connect with in the rooms who will not only love you unconditionally, but be brutally honest with you when you need it. Each day is a new beginning...good for you for continuing to get up and try again. Bless your heart for that. (((HUG))) I'm so glad you let us all know whats been going on with you.

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  2. Hugs to you, I'm inspired to try again....

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  3. A sober and beautiful life is still there for you. You're going to get it right this time and make it work. I have faith...even if you are still doubting.

    Sherry

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  4. It's great to get some proper detail here, that you're being so brutally honest feels like a good step toward totally relinquishing. But then again what do I know? What I do know is that I'm really looking forward to hearing about AA from you... I am curious to know how you find it. I keep thinking about it... not because I want to work steps or anything .. but I just keep wondering whether there might be some totally lovely people there who could become my friends, and I'm shortchanging myself from not heading along to find out. Friends who 'get it'. I get a little sick of the blank stares from my normie mates when I try to describe how life is different sober and how hard it sometimes is learning to live with raw emotions. Only other former boozers really understand. Sending love to you my friend. xxx

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    1. Even if I were to continue drinking forever, I will always want to go back to AA and be involved simply because there is more understanding and support there than anywhere. A kinship of incredibly strong people, joining forces for a familiar cause: happiness and acceptance of the way things must be. I recommend it hands down. I never worked the steps or even opened up the "big book" but I know what goes on in those rooms and it is anything but negative.

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  5. Oh Buddy. I'm so sorry that you are going through this again. I remember so well the feeling of "How did I get here again? Why did I come here again?" I revisited that place over and over for years.

    I am in awe that you are reaching out for professional help and as I read about the perfectly sensible solution of Valium for those middle of the night wanderings, so much more sensible than bottles of wine, I wish that I'd had the willingness to accept that kind of help. I'm a nurse for chrissake! I did find the remedy of floating in the pool for relief all on my own though, some withdrawal days I was in and out of the pool more times than Michael Phelps, funny that it's been prescribed for you.

    You know, there's two secrets to kicking the bastard's ass for good:
    Do whatever it takes!
    Never Give Up!

    Much Love,
    Kary

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    1. so true on the two secrets ... thank you

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  6. I love your honesty. You're off to a good start!

    XO

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  7. Be careful with that valium- I quit drinking and my "withdrawal" (bad nights sleep, mild anxiety) got me searching out the old benzo solution where I learned what real withdrawal was. Really looking forward to hearing your experiences with AA though, maybe I will go I don't know what's keeping me from there.

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  8. I too love your honesty. This post reminded me of one I wrote in August. I wanted to include it here, just in case you have time for a read. Lots of love coming your way. Eventually we make it. This includes you.
    Lisa
    http://wp.me/p2iW4r-6m

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  9. Oh so sorry to hear all of this! I do not agree with the doctor that alcoholism is just simply a case of a person not having will power. You have will power in other areas of your life do you not? Go to AA....please!!! It will explain everything to you and save your life....**big hugs**

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  10. Excited for you. Rise to this occasion, okay?

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  11. Are you doing okay! Feel free to email me anytime if you need to "talk." I'm carrying the old rosary beads around in my pocket and praying for continued strength for you and all of us.

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  12. I am on the same regime! Just started back on Antabuse and taking one Valium at night to sleep (though still having insomnia and much less sleep than I would like and my body needs). Antabuse won't solve the problem, but hopefully, it gives us a self-mandated reprieve from the work on the triggers.. Of course, a cloudy day (or sunny one) can be a trigger for me.. I just pray I continue to take it long enough to realize sobriety really is so much better than that first glass of wine. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. I'll be thinking of you.

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  13. I just ran across your blog. I do feel your pain. AA could be good for you. There are others in the room who 'get it'. Alcohol is a disease not a lack of discipline. AA will help you understand that. The doors are open, the people welcoming and yes it is FREE. and you don't have to speak if you don't want to .

    One day at a time. I thought wtf when I heard that for the gazillionith time. But, It's true! All we have is today and the desire to not drink. And the raw emotions do suck I won't lie to you. But they suck less and less and sober life is good.

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  14. Wish you luck, I know it's tough but I'm sure you can do it.

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  15. My blessings go out to you and wish you the best in your journey to Sobriety. I too have been down the same path with my addiction to alcohol but my treatment was different. An addiction is not only physically damaging but psychologically damaging as well. I will advise you to be Aware of your thoughts because an addiction can make you lose control of your normal way of thinking. Just a little insight on me, I am currently 25 years old and have been released from jail after being sentenced to a year for my third DUI. I hope you can take a look on my blog (which I am just starting) and hope it can help you out on your journey. But i will continuously look at your blog for your update and to support you. My blog is beyond1sobriety.blog.com Again wish you the best!

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  16. I comment each time I appreciate a post on a website or if I have something to valuable to contribute to the conversation.

    Usually it's a result of the sincerness communicated in the article I read. And after this article "The End of the Beginning". I was actually moved enough to post a thought :) I do have some questions for you if you tend not to mind. Could it be simply me or does it look like a few of these responses come across as if they are coming from brain dead people? :-P And, if you are writing at additional social sites, I would like to follow you. Would you list all of your public pages like your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?
    Here is my page ... free iphone

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  17. I'm kind of behind on this but I'm so glad you are trying this journey again. It takes what it takes for each of us to go on this journey and every person is different. I think the fact that you are open minded to whatever help you can get is a huge step. Sobriety is just so much better than the alternative if you stick with it and work a good recovery program. I'll say an extra prayer for you tonight!

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