I've always been great at starting on projects and nearly as good at being able to keep the end in sight and powering on to the finish. And there was no better a motivator as an alcoholic to be able to sign off on a project and then drink into oblivion. Stand next to the completed project, whatever it was, and stare at it and drink glass after glass of wine reflecting on what a triumph it was.
And sort of keep drinking for however long it was afterwards (days, weeks, even months) just reminding myself that I was a successful bastard and that even though I might drink a bit too much now and then, at least I was able to pull off the big jobs. I can execute when it comes down to it - I would say to myself by way of congratulation and start on another afternoon of drinking.
You see, I had life cut out into these big gamechanging chunks and each chunk was indeed a huge accomplishment, and left plenty of time for flouncing around drunk in between, like the lion basking in the sun in between kills. If I could rise to the occasion, and pull of big deals and scrape through intact, it would mean I could lie low and resume my 'normal' lifestyle of being a fat lazy drunk most days in between. But all that changed with going sober.
Now, life isn't big chunks and getting drunk - it is more a marathon. I am pacing myself with steady, responsible options and living as though there will be a tomorrow and that I will be fresh and active when it comes.
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Knowing there is an end point is a great comfort - perhaps the never-endingness of sobriety finally caught up with me and I didn't value the weight of sober days I had behind me. Or I was just curious and basically vulnerable and took it for granted more likely.
So things are back on track round here - to "focus your mind running everyday a great way" as Yoda might say. Running and getting out early in the morning clarifies life. Let's all keep sober and above all else value our honesty.
I, too, was able to accomplish much when I drinking myself drunk every night and I used my accomplishments as proof that "I wasn't that bad." If I could still do that, I have no doubt I would still be drinking, but one day it came to a halt and I could no longer be counted on to get the job done. I couldn't live that way. So here I am, and here you are and it is a far better place.
ReplyDeleteHere we all are xxx. I'm curious, was there any part of the drinking again that was fun? The very first drink that night alone at home? The first hit when it moved through your system? Such a sick and twisted drug. I used to drink just every night on my sofa until I walked very concentratedly to fall into bed. The first one at 5pm was always lovely and calming. But the last one was always mindless obsessive craziness. Also re the vulnerability thing, I don't think you can underestimate your family dramas, those would be very difficult to reconcile with a calm happy life. You are doing great though, flexing your mental strength once again. Take care xxx
ReplyDeleteSo glad to see you posted today! Thank you. I was a functioning alcoholic (or so I thought) for a long time, until last June when I went on a binge & nearly drank myself to death. I was so tired of struggling. Here I am today still struggling but at least sober. I love reading your blog I can so relate & it is amazing how much it helps to know there are others out there like me, thanks again.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you posting again. Happy to hear you are still plugging along on the sober journey!
ReplyDeleteDecided to drop by. Glad to hear about your desire for consistency, dependability and reliability. I'm sure the disease of alcoholism impedes these qualities, no doubt about that.
ReplyDeleteI've found that frequently alcoholics frequently grew up in less favorable, often alcoholic, homes. Unfortunately, the modeling received there usually was chaotic and follow through, stability and consistency were NOT common features.
What's great is that we can create hope for our past. By using recovery, and for me it's been of the Al-Anon Family Group kind, I've found hope. Not just hope for the future and present, but also hope for my past and the examples that twisted my perspective and self-image.
I'm able to create new, healthy, constructive legacies----ones not experienced in my alcoholic home. And, am I glad; so are my sons. I'm able to be patient in adversity. I've discovered how a serenity that transcends even very difficult circumstances.
Al-Anon Family Groups (AFG) teaches me that I can be kind and courteous while still holding to my values, my boundaries, when disagreeing with another. I don't need to be abusive. AFG has taught me how to say my "no" as gently as my yes. I'm finding out that kindness is the highest form of wisdom. (That's from a book in our program, Courage to Change, p. 104.)
Because of Al-Anon Family Groups, I'm learning the stability that staying in 12 Step recovery offers. I now choose healthy alternatives to depression, isolating, fear, anxiety or any other feeling that wants its grip upon my soul. (Usually the negative feelings and reactions I had growing up with an alcoholic mother that was mentally ill---bipolar and having a hyper-controlling, physically brutal father. Often the codependent is worse than the alcoholic, such was the case for me).
By working the steps of AFG, reading the literature, having a sponsor and doing service in the program, I'm moving beyond the wound of being the child of an alcoholic and all the drama, damage and stress it created. I've also been given the gift of a new family of friends, my AFG friends, and serenity.
Dealing with my history and moving beyond it allows me to put its pain where it belongs---in the past. I'm not denying what happened, I'm just not allowing myself to be impeded by the weight of ancient emotions.
Using the tools of the Al-Anon Family Group program, permits me to create a better today.
If you haven't attended this program, you may find it helpful. If you didn't have an alcoholic home, you'd qualify for AFG if you have friends or other relatives who suffer/ed from drinking. My guess is you do.
I wrote a post in my blog about perseverance, similar to the topic discussed in this post. I'll leave the link in case you might want to read it.
http://theattitudeofgratitudeinn.blogspot.com/2011/04/good-evening-everyone-if-someone-asked.html
Wishing you the best, you have my support and prayers.