There was a three legged cat and it stopped in the middle of the road and curled to scratch itself with the leg that had been cut off.
The little bone under the skin near the hip moved up and down really fast, like it would have had it had a leg attached and was scratching the cats chin.
The cat's eyes sort of rolled back in it's head like it was enjoying it even though there was no contact being made.
Nothing was really being scratched - just the ritual of the scratch and it looked like it was just as soothing.
And as alcoholic, drinking on my fears and failures although nothing was actually happening.
Like scratching my chin with an air leg.
Risking everything to stop in the middle of the road to scratch an itch.
This time last year I was swirling towards the final weeks of my drinking. The end of summer or the change of seasons is always a time for reflection and no doubt my simmering alcoholic thinking had me more focussed on the missed opportunities of the summer rather than the beautiful simple parts.
So invariably I found myself drinking harder and harder as though somehow I would be able to slow time by maintaining a constant state of drunkenness. I can admit I was drinking throughout the days and was minutes away from a drink when I was not at work. So everything was falling apart. Business, relationships, everything was sort of rotting in the humidity of autumn.
This time, at the change of season, I have something different to contend with. It is as though I have proved to myself that I can go without alcohol for long periods of time. Am I searching the next challenge? I have definitely reached a plateau, as it evidenced by my recent drinking episode. So it is for me to refocus and find a new goal, which for me is always about reaching endpoints, not so much about maintaining things along the way.
The little bone under the skin near the hip moved up and down really fast, like it would have had it had a leg attached and was scratching the cats chin.
The cat's eyes sort of rolled back in it's head like it was enjoying it even though there was no contact being made.
Nothing was really being scratched - just the ritual of the scratch and it looked like it was just as soothing.
And as alcoholic, drinking on my fears and failures although nothing was actually happening.
Like scratching my chin with an air leg.
Risking everything to stop in the middle of the road to scratch an itch.
This time last year I was swirling towards the final weeks of my drinking. The end of summer or the change of seasons is always a time for reflection and no doubt my simmering alcoholic thinking had me more focussed on the missed opportunities of the summer rather than the beautiful simple parts.
So invariably I found myself drinking harder and harder as though somehow I would be able to slow time by maintaining a constant state of drunkenness. I can admit I was drinking throughout the days and was minutes away from a drink when I was not at work. So everything was falling apart. Business, relationships, everything was sort of rotting in the humidity of autumn.
This time, at the change of season, I have something different to contend with. It is as though I have proved to myself that I can go without alcohol for long periods of time. Am I searching the next challenge? I have definitely reached a plateau, as it evidenced by my recent drinking episode. So it is for me to refocus and find a new goal, which for me is always about reaching endpoints, not so much about maintaining things along the way.
It's so good to have you back. You really do have a special way with words, a talent with imagery, a very clear understanding of your inner dialogue and a strong sense of determination and fight that comes across in a very inspiring way. Hey, I've got a goal for you .. how about 'if I stay sober for the rest of the year I'll take my family to beautiful New Zealand for Christmas'!!!!! xxx
ReplyDeleteyou're not the only soberite looking for the 'next' challenge. Quite frankly you mean chaos I am sure. The delicate balance of surviving and pissing it all away is no longer there. For me, I am feeling pretty fricken antsy. All these responsibilities and needs. Turns out everyone needs me... great. Who am I? Thats always a fun one when you are bored hahahaha... thanks for writing, follow u religiously. How'd you get those tabs?
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ReplyDeletemaintaining things along the way probably never stops being an end goal, I'm thinking to myself, as I struggle. (Chop wood, carry water. Witness the sunrise and the sunset.) Perhaps the next big challenge will find you, rather than the other way around?
ReplyDeleteI guess we never reach the endpoint of achieving a sober life until the end of that life. Are you still pursuing this goal? You haven't met this challenge yet so don't be in such a hurry to add another one, maybe this should be all we ask of ourselves for now, our minds and bodies are still healing, maybe we should let them. I know I am eager to start making up for all that lost time, start checking those things of that bucket list that I thought I had totally forsaken, but maybe my mind, spirit and body are not at their full potential yet, maybe they need a little more time.
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